For me, in my calender, in my season, in this life since the 12.03.01, the Month of March (12.03) never ends without a tear, a sad thought or a sad occurrence, that being the case..I normally choose to let everything happen.I cease dreaming, I cease creation, I cease my smiles, I cease loving and being. I mourn til the 30th has passed..
”Death, as brutal and unwanted as it is, It engenders the right questions & reminds us that we are here today and gone tomorrow.It reminds us that voices that speak to us today, may be gone tomorrow. It reminds us that time does not have our favors and wishes at heart, the same way we might be respect him (time). Let us call him selfish…for now.Time does not wait.Whether we like it or not, everyday pushes us to our death dates, fearing or not fearing DEATH always shadows our skeletons. It side walks us everyday. Death reminds us that whether we digest or not, the principles of ”YOLO”, ”time is money” , ”the clock always ticks”,( and all other meaningful sometimes meaningless phrases), we are not in ultimate control of our lives.
There is God somewhere, whom for the longest time in the past 11 years I have always wondered if he really cared about me, or loved ones. Is there life after death and if there really is, what is the meaning of it all?Why should we be let to live and die in the end. Why should we cease existing, and smiling, and visiting these wonderful places. Why should we cease existing at all?
In perhaps the hardest of ways.I ACCEPTED, that i have been sad, for the longest time.I ceased being strong. That i have ceased discovering and living my joy. I have been jumping over puddles in the storm that swept between walls of our family and i missed the joy in the rain.
So i took a moment, i talked to people, i read the bible, i read blogs, I followed face book walls of deceased people to see what their friends and family thought of them. I watched documentaries about death, i attended funerals and i became MORE SAD.I allowed it and discovered all its corners. I found out that even in sadness, THERE IS JOY. There is joy, in living. Joy is not happiness.NO. Joy is spirituality, its inner peace than happiness and it cannot at any point escape your being.your soul.
I CHOOSE to live, with my sister IN ME.
This year coins have tossed.Say i grew?yeah maybe taller,fleshier and in spirit.The Month of March came as a blessing, many accomplishments, many activities, good people and places, few lessons and brand new joy. Hasn’t been too much of a hassle nonetheless. I took a trip to myself.. I explored a journey of discovery, a journey of finding inner joy and peace. I stopped blaming death, i stopped mourning too hard and feeling alone..
this poem, is the remembrance of my sister.Perhaps what she would have loved me to do many years ago.To find the joys she placed in me, before she left and to make a living out of them. To my Fallen Hero..these are conversations you spoke to me in my sleep. These are words you speak to memories you have built with us. These are words of my fallen HEROS. These are words of my late Grandfather Tefelo Phonchi, my late uncle Leungo Phonchi, my late bio dad Bojosi, my late cousin Bushi Phonchi.. and all those my tears have fallen for. This are MY words, my eulogy the time i fall.The time i DIE..
WHEN MY COFFIN CLOSES
When my coffin closes,
Speak of me as a woman
So long as my soul still lives
I will be insignificant but
Instead of body, call me words
Dance the soil for me
become the dust with me in
Ballet, mambo, or polka
so i could sleep on a familiar room
When my coffin closes
It will rain just a little.
Sail the rainbow with me in my sleep
When you stand by my grave and weep,
Listen to the shovel sounds and sand grains as
they bury my foot prints back to where I belong
Sing softly and dance
with my shadow joyfully on this mud
Reminiscing on our youthful times
When my coffin closes
It will be the end of me
Clothe your emptied souls brightly as crystal chandeliers
So I could see you, so I could sense your warmth
and I will smile.
I will rest affectionately
like rainbow roses laying on the mahogany casket
waiting for heaven doors to swing open for me.
As you silently throw red roses rightfully across my chest
reserve a petal for you
to reminisce all memories since collected
when we were one
When my coffin closes
Your hands will hold other hands, shaking,
afraid of asking
Or wondering why I decided to leave
Wonder not child, I will be no more
My realities will be your dreams,
And dreams do not die
when my coffin closes
Remember me in you.
FIND ALL JOYS I PLACED WITH IN YOU..while i lived.Live on too,
March 2014 was AWESOME ❤